The Other Person Never Feels Heard. Because You Are So Quick To Disagree

Business, Communication.

The 12 blocks to listening - there are twelve blocks to listening. Others are held in reserve for certain types of people or situations. You will find that some are old favorites that you use over and over.

Everyone uses listening blocks, so you should not worry if a lot of blocks are familiar. - comparing. This is an opportunity to become more aware of your blocks at the time you actually use them. Comparing makes it hard to listen because you are always trying to assess who is smarter, and more emotionally, more competent healthy, whether it is you or the other person. While someone is talking, you think to yourself: Could I do it that well? Some people focus on who has suffered more, who is a bigger victim.

Hey, my kids are so much brighter. - mind reading. You cannot let much in because you are too busy seeing if you measure up. The mind reader does not pay much attention to what people say. He is trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling. In fact, he often distrusts it. She says she wants to go to the show, but I will bet she is tired and wants to relax.

The mind reader pays less attention to words than to intonations and subtle cues in an effort to see through to the truth. - she might be resentful if i pushed her when she does not want to go. If you are a mind reader, you probably make assumptions about how people react to you. She thinks I am stupid. I bet he is looking at my lousy skin. She is turned off by my shyness. Rehearsing.

These notions are born of intuition, and vague misgivings, hunches, but have little to do with what the person actually says to you. - you do not have time to listen when you are rehearsing what to say. You have to look interested, but your mind is going a mile a minute because you have got a story to tell, or a point to make. Your whole attention is on the preparation and crafting of your next comment. Some people rehearse whole chains of responses: First I will say, then he will say, then I will say, and so on. When you filter, you listen to some things and not to others. Filtering.

You pay only enough attention to see if somebody is angry, or if you, or unhappy are in emotional danger. - one woman listens just enough to her son to learn whether he is fighting again at school. Once assured that the communication contains none of those things, you let your mind wander. Relieved to hear he is not, she begins thinking about her shopping list. If she seems happy as she describes her day, his thoughts begin wandering. A young man quickly ascertains what kind of mood his girlfriend is in.

Another way people filter is simply to avoid hearing certain things - - particularly anything. threatening, critical, negative, or unpleasant. - judging. It is as if the words were never said: You simply have no memory of them. Negative labels have enormous power. You have already written them off. If you prejudge someone as stupid or nuts or unqualified, you do not pay much attention to what they say.

Hastily judging a statement as immoral, fascist, hypocritical, or crazy means you have ceased to listen and have begun a knee - jerk reaction. - dreaming. A basic rule of listening is that judgments should only be made after you have heard and evaluated the content of the message. You are half listening, and something the person says suddenly triggers a chain of private. associations. Hearts is a great game, and there have been many great nights of playing the game. Your neighbor says she has been laid off, and in a flash you are back to the scene where you got fired for playing hearts on those long coffee breaks.

And you are gone, only to return a few minutes later as your neighbor says, I knew you would understand, but please do no tell my husband. - everyone dreams - and you sometimes need to make herculean efforts to stay tuned in. You are more prone to dreaming when you feel bored or anxious. But if you dream a lot with certain people, it may indicate a lack of commitment to knowing or appreciating them. Identifying. At the very least, it is a statement that you do not value what they have to say very much. In this block, you take everything a person tells you and refer it back to your own experience.

You launch into your story before they can finish theirs. - they want to tell you about a toothache, but that reminds you of the time you had oral surgery for receding gums. Everything you hear reminds you of something that you have felt, or suffered, done. Advising. You are so busy with these exciting tales of your life that there is no time to really hear or get to know the other person. You are the great problem solver, ready with help and suggestions. However, while you are cooking up suggestions and convincing someone to just try it, you may miss what is most important.

You do not have to hear more than a few sentences before you begin searching for the right advice. - you did not hear the feelings, and you did not acknowledge the persons pain. Sparring. He or she still feels basically alone because you could not listen and just be there. This block has you arguing and debating with people. In fact, a lot of your focus is on finding things to disagree with.

The other person never feels heard. because you are so quick to disagree. - you take strong stands, are very clear about your beliefs and preferences. Look for one thing you might agree with. The way to avoid sparring is to repeat back and acknowledge what you have heard. One subtype of sparring is the put - down. For example, sally starts telling Joe about her problems in an English class. You use acerbic or sarcastic remarks to dismiss the other persons point of view.

Joe says: When are you going to be smart enough to drop that class? - when he tells rebecca, oh please, she says, not the tv routine again. Jake is feeling overwhelmed with the noise from the TV. The put - down is the standard block to listening in many marriages. A second type of sparring is discounting. It quickly pushes the communication into stereotyped patterns where each person repeats a familiar hostile litany.

Discounting is for people who cannot stand compliments. - what do you mean, i was totally lame. Oh, I did not do anything. It is nice of you to say, but it is really a very poor attempt. The other person never feels satisfied that you really heard his appreciation. The basic technique of discounting is to run yourself down when you get a compliment.

And he is right, you did not. 1Being Right. - you cannot listen to criticism, you cannot be corrected, and you cannot take suggestions to change. Being right means you will go to any lengths( twist the facts, make excuses or, start shouting accusations, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong. Your convictions are unshakable. This listening block is accomplished by suddenly changing the subject. And since you will not acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, you just keep making them. 1Derailing. You derail the train of conversation when you get bored or uncomfortable with a topic.

This means that you continually respond to whatever is said with a joke or quip in order to avoid the discomfort or anxiety in seriously listening to the other person. 1Placating. - another way of derailing is by joking it off. Right, Right. I know. Absolutely. Of course, you are.

Yes. - incredible. Really? You want people to like you - so you agree with everything. You want to be nice, and supportive, pleasant. You may half - listen just enough to get the drift, but you are not really involved.

You are placating rather than tuning in and examining what is actually being said.